Running with Perseverance

2 Months

My little lady is 2 months old today!

My Path to Heaven

Have I been a blogging slacker or what?!  At least I have an excuse right?  This whole having a new baby thing has sort of been consuming my life!  It's been great!

Serafina is getting so big already!  She's almost 3 weeks old now, which is funny because that's not very long, but I feel like she's always been here.  Adjusting to life with 4 little ones has been a mostly good, but sometimes stressful transition.  The transition hasn't been hard because of the baby though, it's mostly my 2 year old's often challenging personality.  I anticipated this and it's gone about how I expected. 

Here's a funny story on my new life with four!  Yesterday I embarked on my first series of errands alone with all 4 of them.  I've been mostly running places with Charlie, or waiting until he gets home and just taking baby, or not going at all (in the case of the grocery store...::sigh:: I need to get better about that).  We had 4 stops, and the fourth stop was the library.  I had a whole slew of books on hold for our first two months of school that I needed to pick up and I told the girls that we could go in and pick out books/play in the children's section for a while if they had good behavior while we were doing our shopping.  They did have great behavior and all the shopping stops went like a dream.  In fact, we had a great time at the library too!  All heck broke loose at the very end of the trip though.
Our library requires you to check your own books, so I was going through the huge stack of books scanning them one at a time.  Well, all my books that I had on hold weren't scanning.  Meanwhile, Serafina decided it was lunch time and was inconsolably screaming in the Moby.  Colette latched on to my leg and started wailing and throwing a fit (she yells REALLY LOUD!) because she wanted to hold *all* the books and I wouldn't let her because they were too heavy and I needed to check them out.  No amount of sweetness or threats from me made her quiet.  We were in the main foyer of the library and I could feel that everyone was watching us.  I just kept thinking...ok...humility...this will help me grow in virtue.  Then the impossible happened.  Felicity started dancing around and panicking.  She had to go to the bathroom.  She's 5, so I told her that she could wait until we were done and got home.  We live across the street after all.  Well, apparently I was wrong because she started crying and then let loose.  Luckily nothing got on the floor, just all over her dress.  So, I'm standing there with 2 wailing children and one who just wet herself.  And my books wouldn't check out.
I really realized the power of prayer once we finally made it back to the car.  Yesterday morning I prayed for a gentle spirit and patience.  Typically, a situation like that would have made me livid, but I managed to get through as gracefully as possible without getting mad at the children.  That is only by the grace of God. I could feel His peace wash over me in that moment.

I've been trying to keep in mind recently that my work, including difficult situations with children, is my path to Heaven.  

Mostly, things with the family have been going well.  Yesterday was a rare situation, thankfully!  We have enjoyed peaceful days full of plenty of outdoor play, puzzle making, and enjoying time with friends and students.  The house hasn't been falling apart, and I think that may only be because I have been keeping the purpose of my work in mind.  We are happy to have some extra time with Charlie again now that Fall Outreach is slowing down and the whole family is excited about an upcoming camping trip we are going to take with the students and missionaries to Yellowstone!  I am feeling great postpartum; I really feel completely normal.  99% of my clothes fit again and my wedding ring is back on (sometimes this has taken months after having a baby for me!)!

Well, my little one is fussing and I must go rescue her from her pacifier-shoving 2 year old sister!

Thursday's Sweet Success

If I would have participated in "Small Successes" for yesterday, my main success would have been having a baby!!!!

Our sweet Serafina arrived yesterday afternoon at 5:30, quite unexpectedly!  We are home now, and so thankful for a quick and happy delivery and to be here where we start life together at peace.

Because it was so significant, I want to write about the birth story - mostly for my own sake in the future (minus some gory details)!  But, I'll start with the good stuff!

Here she is!

She was 9 lbs 4oz and 20 1/2 inches long.  (A total chunk!)  She's a *really* sweet baby, has a generally quiet temperament, and nurses like nobody's business.  She has to keep her girlish figure!

When I got up yesterday, I had no idea that it was THE day and that she would be coming.  The night before, I was having some contractions that were a little stronger than Braxton-Hicks, and closer together.  They didn't prevent me from sleeping or functioning in the morning though.  I got up early and headed out for a chiropractic appointment and a pedicure.  I texted with my Dad, came home and helped Charlie with some intense cleaning, and then had an appointment with my doula.  She came over and while she was here, my contractions started getting more intense and closer together.  But they weren't close enough to prevent me from doing what I needed to do.
Charlie made us all lunch after my doula left and half way through lunch, I couldn't eat, and I would have to stand up with each contraction due to the pain.  I wasn't convinced I was in labor yet, though, so I kept trying to function.  However, before I knew it, I was in the bathroom laboring by myself, still not entirely convinced. I brought in my clock and started timing my contractions, they were about 3-4 minutes apart and 1-1 1/2 minutes long.  At that point, I was still managing through my contractions pretty well.  I had prepared myself well with "techniques" to deal and I found that they really worked.  At some point (about 4:35ish), I told Charlie that he better find someone to watch the girls just in case.  They were taking naps (thankfully!) and once I knew someone was secured to come watch them, I felt such peace.  Right as I was thinking I had better ask Charlie to call my doula to come back, I was hit with a hugely painful contraction that caused me to involuntarily push.  This small push caused my water to break and it was then that I think I was in "transition."  My contractions after that were less of my quietly making it through and more vocal. 
We decided to go to the hospital at that point, because I noticed that I had the urge to push, which kind of scared me.  Getting me out the door was an ordeal though.  My water was broken, I was having contractions on top of each other, and I just did not want to move.  There was a beautiful moment, though, as Charlie was encouraging me to prepare to leave.  Because I was in the bathtub earlier on, I had taken off my scapular.  As we were preparing to leave, he reached over, put it on me in the middle of a contraction, and then told me that I was ready to go.  It was a sweet moment - one where I clearly saw his genuine love for me.  Anyway, we finally go to the car (about 3 contractions later) and he was flying down a major road at 60mph where the speed limit is 35.  I wasn't buckled (couldn't sit back) and we passed a police office.  Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice us and we only had two blocks to the hospital.  As we were pulling up, all I can remember is a contraction, an involuntary push, and me yelling, "her head is coming!" 
They met us at the entrance with a wheel chair and took me to triage (even though when Charlie called he told them to have a delivery room ready to go).  Let's stop and think about triage here for a moment...  Typically, there are a very few nurses working it, typically they see first time moms who think that maybe they are in labor, they give them a sleeping pill and send them on their merry way until they get induced a week later.  Well, in I come in the final stage of labor, about to deliver a baby and the nurse comes in, calmly asks me to put on a hospital gown and to lay down on the bed so she can check me.  lol  This is where things got REALLY interesting!
I was standing on the side of the bed, and as I was about to put on a gown (I don't usually wear the hospital gowns, but I was willing to at that point) when a huge contraction hit and I could feel her head descending.  She told me again to get on the bed and I told her, "no, I can't."  Then, she forcefully insisted and tried to pull me up onto the bed from the other side.  I feel that I was forceful, but Charlie says that I actually yelled at this point.  I said something along the lines of "NO I will NOT get on the bed, I will stand right here." She responded by telling me that I can't deliver my baby standing up (she so didn't know what she was dealing with here..) and I told her that women have "had babies standing up for hundreds of thousands of years and I am NOT GETTING ON THAT BED."  Poor thing.  I do have empathy for her - she's not used to this kind of action, much less an uncooperative, unafraid patient, and natural birth.
So, then, she snapped at me and said that my baby was going to fall on the floor and to stop pushing until the OBs on call got there.  I instinctively reached down for my baby (I didn't want her to fall on the floor after all..), told the nurse that I wasn't pushing - my body was doing it on its own, and her head was on the way out.  Charlie was right across the bed from me, encouraging me and being just so supportive.
Next thing I knew the room was full of L&D nurses, pediatric nurses, and two OBs who made it just as she was arriving.  She was born right there in the triage room, standing up, just the way I really wanted: no IV, no fetal heart monitor, no pain medication, completely naturally - the birth of my dreams!  She and I both emerged from the experience 100% in tact, no damage, totally alert, and feeling great after only about 2 1/2 - 3 hours of labor.  God's design is amazing!  

So, that's the story - and now I am going to go to bed. I finally get to sleep!

Crushing

We've been enjoying the special that the Discovery Channel has been showing called "Wild Pacific" over the last few nights.  Charlie and I have been staying up too late at night watching sharks eat birds, domesticated eels, forest penguins, and fat, non-flying parrots.  The end of one of the shows just recently highlighted some whales that were getting beached.  The narrator (Mike Rowe - Charlie love his show, bleh!) mentioned that the whales would die due to the sheer weight of their bodies - without the water, they crush themselves.  I sort of felt sad for them, being at the end of pregnancy...I feel like I'm crushing myself.  Which makes me feel like a whale.  haha

This has been the quickest and easiest pregnancy for me in many ways.  The only struggle I've had (aside from self-esteem issues, which I expect I will always have) has been my chiropractic issues.  That's been costly to treat, but such a relief.  However, I am now up against the final month and I haven't even thought about labor & delivery, or preparing for the baby much at all.  I'm always significantly late, so I'm trying not to get too excited about it yet, because I could have anywhere from 3-6 weeks before this little one makes her arrival.  If I keep myself busy and distracted, the seconds won't drag on and on.

I'm actually very excited about this delivery, though.  I had a c-section with Felicity that turned out to be unnecessary (VERY COMMON) and since then, I have progressively learned more and more about how to have a better grip on the birthing situation.  I've also learned that you can't control it.  Being educated is the key I think.  I've had 2 successful VBACs, and I am now confident that my body can birth a baby.  This time, I'm trying for a more natural birth.  I've hired a doula who is going to stay with me and help me labor at home until the very last minute so I can avoid being the hospital as long as possible (as long as things are going along well of course).  She's really great and I'm excited to have a genuine birthing experience, God willing.  If it were really up to me, this baby would be born at home, but money and insurance are too much of a factor. 

More than anything, the thing I have gained over my last 3 1/2 pregnancies and births has been confidence.  I trust my body.  I trust my husband.  I trust the baby.  I trust that people who care about us will help, and I accept and appreciate that help.  I trust my Lord, because He has been and will be with me during these births.  He allows me to unite myself with His cross and He allows me to bring His precious children into this world to love and serve Him.

I'm sure the pregnancy/labor/delivery/baby posts will increase over the next few weeks, now that I'm in that frame of mind.  Almost there....I'm telling myself, anyway.  In the mean time, I'm going to be cooking freezer meals, washing and folding tiny cloth diapers and clothes, reviewing Moby wrap tecnique, practicing relaxation techniques, preparing for Kindergarten in September, and cleaning (like a mad woman).  That should be enough to keep me distracted and to wear me out!

Kindergarten is Looming

Back when Felicity was about 2 years old, Charlie and I had a several month long discussion (you know, the parent's definition of "discussion" aka argument) about the concept of homeschooling our children in the future.  He had recently met a good, solid Catholic man who had come to our parish for a special event who was singing the praises of homeschooling and pretty much convinced Charlie that we should try it out.  To say I was resistant would be an understatement.  I went to public school for 13 years and had a great educational experience.  I saw no reason to mess with that and fully intended on enrolling our children as well with no thought about it.  Catholic school has never been an option in either of our minds, mostly due to cost, which is unfortunate. 
As time went on, and I prayed about it, researched it, and tried really hard to consider Charlie's crazy idea, I was won over.  The concept is still daunting to me.  I don't know how I'll fare as wife, mother, housekeeper, and teacher.  In my mind, I am allowing myself to think that I'll take it one year at a time.  But, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I'm in this for the long haul.
My initial web research lead me quickly to a blog that has changed my heart in many ways.  I don't know if she'll ever know, but her humility, love for her family, selflessness toward and respect for her husband, and upright priorities have been an amazing formation for me as I have gone along in marriage and as I prepare for the future.  I promptly ordered Real Learning and it was the first book on homeschooling that I read.  And of course, through the blog, I found the 4Real message boards where I have gleaned much wisdom, many ideas, a realistic view, and actual enthusiasm about homeschooling.
I never thought the time would come, and I intentionally avoided preschool because I didn't want to be overzealous and burn out.  I know myself, and burn out is something I am really praying about because I know I am prone to it.
Yet, here I am, purchasing Kindergarten curriculum.  My oldest child is finally old enough to require formal education, and I'm feeling nervous about it all over again.  It's a different sort of nervousness though; I am not questioning whether this is the right thing for her or for our family.  I am convinced that it is.  I'm nervous about my ability to teach.  I'm nervous about starting only weeks after I have a baby.  I have full trust in her, however.  I think she'll learn to read and write quickly.  I think she'll enjoy math and nature studies.  I know she has an increasing interest in knowledge about her faith.  My biggest fear is my own failure.  I just don't know if I can juggle all the balls that I've been given.  It keeps me awake at night (I'm a horrible worrier!). 
I think the whole thing will get better once we get started, once I'm immersed in something I don't really worry about it anymore.  But, I am trying not to think of this summer as my last days of freedom.  That is ridiculous, really.  That's like thinking of the days before marriage or children as the last of freedom and that's just not accurate.  There is freedom in doing God's will, and I am convinced that this is His will for us.  So much prayer, so very many tears, so many hours of research...
The journey into real life homeschooling is just about to begin for our family.  I'm excited as I gather our materials and do the reading, and get ready for the year.  But mostly, I'm excited about watching these little minds open up to all God's world has in store.  What a blessing, what a perfect continuation after the precious days of babyhood!

Mother's Day Round 5

Happy Mother's Day my friends!  I have had a beautiful, relaxing day with my family and I hope you all have as well!  Charlie brought me beautiful roses and the perfect card.  It may have been the funniest one I have ever received; I always joke with him that I only married him for his good looks and the fact that he makes me laugh. <3  As a lovely parting gift, I had the privilege and pleasure of watching my littlest one drift off to sleep, one of the most precious things to witness I think.
I will never forget my first Mother's Day, it was also the first time we ever took Felicity to Mass.  She was so small, and I was still in shock that at the age of 21 I was included in such a holiday.  I remember that they handed out red roses to all the mothers, and how it felt to carry my less than 2 week old infant to the front and be a part of the mysterious fellowship of mothers.  I remember what I wore, what she wore, how she smelled, how she felt in my arms, how the fresh scar still ached.  Motherhood is such an amazing gift, and I am honored that our Lord has chosen to put four of his precious little girls in my care, undeserving as I am! 
Today I remember and put myself and my daughters in the care of our Mother, Queen of Heaven, sweet, Mary.  "Then He said to the disciple, "Behold, your mother." (John 19:27)
Of course, I have taken my own amazing mother to prayer all day long.  I love you Mama!
Lastly, for your viewing pleasure, are some sweet pictures from our weekend.  The backyard at our new house is such a blessing, the girls are really enjoying their opportunity to play outside so much.  Sunscreen has become quite important these days! I can't wait to get to gardening and planting flowers (all around our Lady!)!  Our roommate, Nikki, and I were planning on starting that today, but we got rain and cold instead.  Hopefully this week...

(Clumsy as she is, Felicity can sure handle a soccer ball!)

A vision of happy childhood.  Fairy wings, blond ringlets, soft grass, and Springtime.

Picking flowers.

Feed a body, feed a soul

For perhaps the first 3 weeks after we arrived in Colorado last Fall, women showed up at my door step with meals for our family.  We had just moved to a new state, away from family, and I had given birth only 2 days before we arrived.  These meals from neighbors, new friends, and wives of headquarters men who I had only briefly, if that, met were not only nourishment for the bodies of my family, but to my soul as a displaced, lonely (Charlie worked 24/7 as soon as we got here), tired mama.  It lifted one of the greatest burdens of my day, I could focus on caring for my very young children, unpacking the house, and *trying* to heal rather than planning, grocery shopping in a strange land, and spending hours cooking and cleaning up.  I had never had the experience of this onslaught of generosity postpartum, and it was not only humbling, but truly lifted my spirit.

Today, I found a post on Faith & Family live about meals for other families and what different people bring to those who have just had a new family member join them.  The timing was perfect, as I was thinking about this post just the other night.  Check it out if you can!

Just the other day, I had the privilege of preparing a meal for a family who just brought their baby home from NICU, and a mother who experienced an emergency cesarean - a very tender topic to my heart.  In about a week and a half I'm scheduled for another family and I'm looking forward to it!  There are many tips over on F&F about this topic, but there are a few things I try to keep in mind when I am preparing a meal for others.

 The first thing I try to consider is the nutritional need of a nursing mother, and one who is recovering from a marathon of physical hardship!  The next thing to consider is how many people are in the family, and how many children.  There is no sense in sending adult fare to a family with 5 kids, the kids won't eat it and mama will still have to cook.  Last, I consider my own finances.  I like to bring a small gift (maybe diapers?) and flowers, but in order to afford those things, I need to be frugal with the cost of the food without cutting quality.  The best way to do that is to be aware of what I have and what is currently on sale.  For example, on Saturday, I took that family a roast with potatoes, carrots, and celery, a fruit salad, bread, and oatmeal cherry chocolate chip cookies.  The meat was on a considerable sale, I had the veggies, I had the fruit, I made the bread and the cookies with items already in my pantry.  Another time, I made my mom's lasagana, because I was already making 2 for team dinner.  And another time, I made minestrone soup with a big salad and bread because it traveled easily and needed to be sent from my town to FOCUS headquarters via carpool.

All in all, I think sharing meals is such a beautiful ministry.  I am so thankful for the gift they have been to me, and I take great joy in sharing them with others!

A Simple Woman's Daybook November 6

Please visit The Simple Woman for more Daybook entries!  FOR TODAY Thursday, November 6...

Outside My Window...the wind is intense!  I feel like it's ushering in the Winter.  The weather has been so beautiful this Fall, but now stepping outside it is bitter cold. 

I am thinking...about the weekend.  This is the first weekend in a month that Charlie or I will not be out of town.  I am looking forward to some family time and time with Charlie. 

I am thankful for...my sweet children.  Felicity and Gabrielle have been so sweet lately, they spend the whole day just playing together, reading books together, imagining together.  Pretty soon Colette will join in the fun I'm sure.  She's still a bit of an independent player.

From the kitchen...Charlie has asked me to go back to the intense meal planning I used to do.  Recently, I have been in daily survival mode and I need to go back to planning and purchasing ahead.  One thing I've been doing well though is stocking my freezer.  You should see my collection of once fresh now frozen berries!  The grocery store had fresh raspberries 10/$10 last week and I stocked up in a major way.  Those little containers are usually $4.99 each!  I also have a bunch of blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries.  It's great to know they're in there for baking, pancakes, toppings for yogurt (my favorite!), and smoothies.

I am wearing...a new pair of jeans, a 3/4 sleeve pink top from Shade, and my Chaco sandals.  When I go out later, I'm going to have to add a warm sweater and shoes.  I am thankful for a warm home today!

I am creating...Christmas lists.  I have already done a lot of my shopping and I am trying to figure out what to get who.  The only people I am completely finished shopping for are my parents!  haha :-)

I am going...to have a babysitter this afternoon, but have no plans on what I'm going to do!  Maybe go for coffee and read, maybe spend some good quality time in prayer in the chapel downstairs, maybe go Christmas shopping...we shall see!

I am reading... St. Gianna Molla: Wife, Mother, Doctor by Pietro Molla and Elio Guerriero  I have been loving this book and I started reading it while on the way to the Kimberly Hahn conference.  It was the perfect companion since the topic of the retreat was motherhood and St. Gianna is such a role model to mothers.  I'm almost finished, and hoping to get it completed by this weekend. 

I am hoping...that the election of our new president will not result in the chaos that I am afraid of. 

I am hearing...the Baroque classical channel on iTunes and Felicity and Gabrielle playing with Wedgits.

Around the house...I need to put away the Summer clothes and make room for the coats and accessories.  I need to clean my (very small) closet so that I have more room to store suitcases and Christmas gifts.  There is the usual to do as well: laundry, vacuuming, polishing, etc.  I need to clean the fridge and purge the toys too! 

One of my favorite things...when Charlie comes home.  All is well in my world then.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: Next week is Gabrielle's birthday (on Tuesday!  She'll be 3!!!  I can't believe it...I feel like I just got her!), so I need to plan for that.  I think we'll do something low key as a family.  We like to alternate years for parties, I don't want to do a party every year for each child, plus I don't want them to have that expectation.  I already got her a gift, but I'd love to think of something fun to do as a family as well.  This weekend we have dinner with friends on Saturday night after Charlie spends the morning pheasant hunting.  Monday, Felicity has an Oceanography class in Fort Collins, which will be fun!  I always love a good trip to FC.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...  Here are my darling daughters (well, 2 of them!) dressed for Halloween.  They went as St. Therese the Little Flower and St. Agnes.  Charlie did such a great job getting them dressed up in my absence! 

The News

Well, I haven't been on much obviously.  Life has been busy and blessed lately.  I do, however, have some sad news.  Last week, I had some indications that the pregnancy test I took could have been a false positive.  There is a chance that I did do it wrong and that evaporation lines were to blame for what looked like a positive.  However, over the weekend I believe there is a strong chance that I miscarried.  Of course, I'll spare the details but I did want to be able to post about it.
I don't know if I'll ever know for sure if it was a false positive or if it was a miscarriage, but through some research and the response of my heart tell me that it was a stronger possibility of being a miscarriage.  It was hard because I was out of town and unable to go into the doctor.  Thankfully, I was in Ohio at Franciscan University of Steubenville at a Kimberly Hahn conference with my dear friend Lisa.  The topic was motherhood and it made me all that more excited to come home to my sweet daughters.

I fully trusted God in what I thought was the creation of a child, and I continue to trust in His will.

Thank You

Thank you all for your kind words of congratulations.  I think it signals great hope in our world that so many people have responded in such a positive manner to a 4th baby!  I already get a ton of "you have your hands full" comments with my three girls, I imagine it will continue full force once I'm showing and after the baby is born.  At least I can keep my smile on!  I really am so happy in this life that God has given me, and hopefully that is apparent when we are on display to the public as our family gets bigger and bigger.  Of course, it's not one of those things where I "care what other people think," it's more that I have been given the opportunity to show others out in the world that having a handful of children is not a future life full of doom!

I had been thinking that I was probably pregnant for several weeks.  I kept having all of the tell-tale signs - water dreams (had a horrible one last night), joint pain in my hip (keeps getting earlier with each pregnancy...), and extreme afternoon fatigue (I really need a nap right now).  I just couldn't get a positive test result.  It was a relief (yay I'm not crazy!) to get a positive, and I am thrilled that we are going to have another little one.  Charlie is beside himself hoping for a boy.  I would love to have a boy, I think.  I don't know anything about them really and it would be quite intimidating.  It would be exciting though.  Of course, I would be completely happy to have another little girl.  The thought of not pulling out those sweet pink blankets, dresses, and girlie things again would make me so sad!  I trust in God,  He knows what is right for our family right now.  Maybe we'll have a priest.  Wouldn't that be wonderful...  :-)

Well, none of my thoughts above are particularly profound, but I wanted to say thank you, anyway.  Now, I am going to decide if I should take a rest or organize my absolute disaster of a desk...