The reality has been that things fell apart. It is that I am not capable of 3 full time jobs: mothering, keeping house, and teaching. My pride came to an ugly head when I collapsed into desolation and prepared to send everyone old enough off to Catholic school. Nobody had clothes to wear, I needed to go grocery shopping, and school was rushed and miserable for me.
So, I've spent the last two weeks picking up the pieces. I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect at all times, to always appear as if I have it all together, and to spend more time preparing for life than living life. The vices I struggle with the most all play into this, and I finally met my match when I realized that I couldn't go on doing things the way I was doing them with a destructive (yet mostly sweet) toddler, newborn, and kindergartener in tow. My sweet Gabrielle has been delightful and uncomplicated. Everyone else has needed so much from me, and I had been failing them.
I turned to the ladies on the Real Learning message boards because I knew that their collective wisdom and prayers really would help me, especially since I don't have someone here in real life that I can run to with my questions on how to balance all three jobs. I was given so much practical advice, and the thing that really hit me was that I need to RELAX.
What I did in turn was to put away the Catholic Heritage Curricula plans, they really were overkill for me and this season of our family life. I was re-energized and got a boost of enthusiasm for homeschooling back after I was ready to abandon ship and hope for a scholarship at the local Catholic school. I was reassured that I really am doing a lot of work, giving a lot of myself, and not being a lazy bum! Sometimes I just try to push myself for more and more perfection, and I realize now that I needed a healthy dose of humility when everything fell apart.
For school, my plan is to enjoy life with my children and integrate learning into our daily life. I don't have time to sit down and "DO SCHOOL." And, I think that will be good enough or better than what they would be getting "at" school. I am working hard to be 100% present in the moment in our interactions, and no teacher could ever love my children as I do, or care about their success as I do. We're doing much more reading out loud (something I actually really don't enjoy, but recognize the need for...I have such guilt about not enjoying it!!!), and we can cover SO many subjects in that way. I'm committed to playing more games with the girls, including educational games. Counting, adding, and very basic subtracting are all Felicity needs right now, and that can be done in a fun way. I fount this great website that I got some fun ideas from as well! Also, as far as math, we're going to continue with Math-U-See Primer, but Charlie is going to take that over. He's been doing it with her before and after daily Mass, which he takes the two big girls to, regardless if I can attend or not.
I am opening the door to more art and crafting, which I think is essential for coordination, attention, learning precision, and enjoyment. This comes more naturally to me, but is an adventure I won't embark upon when I am feeling stressed. When the house is trashed, the last thing I'm willing to bust out is glitter, glue, paint, etc! haha
The Magna-Doodle is great for letter writing practice, as are these alphabet tracers from Jan Brett's activity page. I printed them, stuck them in plastic sheet covers, and give them to the girls at the kitchen bar while I make dinner or take them along when we have evening events for FOCUS. They LOVE this! It was a great idea from one of the ladies on the message board. Everywhere the girls go, they are sounding out words, so I think they are picking up on phonics. I'm using Bob Books for now and will probably move on to the CHC reading program in the spring. Although, they are both (F & G) picking up on reading quickly, as they have known letter sounds for a few years now.
For Religious Ed, I was NOT impressed with the CHC program at all. It was so time intensive, and not what I was looking for at all. I think we're covering the bases with daily Mass, discussions at dinner (it's usually a free-for-all Q&A with Daddy), reading Proverbs and Bible stories at lunch, and prayer at bedtime. They're also welcome to join me for my Rosary and/or Chaplet if they're around. But they don't have to. They also have tons of Saint books, prayer books, etc. that they enjoy.
At home, I'm trying to revamp the way I have done things. I no longer have all my children napping for 3 hours every afternoon, so I get no time for quiet and uninterrupted housework. I don't have this all worked out yet, but I'm tossing around some ideas. There just seems to be so much to do all the time from planning meals and shopping, to mountains of laundry, to vacuuming/mopping/sweeping (all the time), and so on and so forth. I have no help in this, as my girls aren't old enough to do much just yet. Although, Felicity is an excellent laundry folder, so I think I'm going to have her start folding kid laundry and have Gabrielle put it away.
Laundry is really my biggest issue, and it can cause me quite a bit of guilt if it's not done. I feel like at a very basic level, love is shown through clean socks and undergarments! I have some ideas on how to create an effective laundry system, I'll report back if it works! ;-) The main thing I'm going to do, though, is to pare down the girls' clothes significantly. Six outfits, appropriate undergarments, socks, thermals, ballet clothes, a dress for Mass, and outerwear ought to do it. We're going to plan our clothes for the week ahead (we meaning, myself and the children - Charlie's in charge of his own stuff and I'll wash as much of his clothing as he'd like!), so hopefully that will help.
Other things I planning on doing include drastically purging toys, teaching the girls to help with age appropriate things (vacuuming? unloading some dishes? cleaning the table after meals? I'm open to suggestions for 4 & 5 year olds), taking a break from cloth diapering (this breaks my little heart!) and making myself a "rule." I'm considering selling my iPhone for a Roomba (these often come up on woot.com for cheap) and possibly hiring on a female student to help me out with some chores or watching children while I do chores once a week or so. We'll see on those.
Lastly, I'm trying to allow myself some room to breathe. I'm a melancholic, an introvert; I need quiet. I'm taking prayer time seriously, yet being realistic with myself about what I can do. Charlie's committed to me taking Saturday mornings to myself for Mass, coffee, and anything else I feel like doing (probably lots of time at the library, the park, or sticking around the church for adoration and quiet prayer). I have to take my sidekick, though, as long as she's a nursling. I just need space to think. I need quiet. It's not a desire or a want, it's a true need - the way that God created me. I'm a better wife, a better mother, and a better Christian when I have it. I need Him, even if only for a few undistracted moments a day! The other great thing is that I'm taking exercise seriously. Thankfully we have this Thanksgiving 5K as a goal to meet, and I've seen an improvement in my physical and mental health. Yesterday I was feeling so very stressed, and after doing 3 miles I felt so much better! I want my daughters to see that physical activity is important; that's hard for me, the non-athlete. It's fun too because I can run while they hang out with Charlie, while they sleep, or while they play around me since my treadmill is in their play room. :-)
This has been a long post. But, I've been away for a long time. I've contemplated shutting down my blog. I don't always feel like I have time for it, but then I come back and enjoy it so much. Maybe I'll work that in with other leisure activities as I make my rule... I don't know. I love looking back on our history, as much of what I write is really for my own sake, my own memory. Nonetheless, please keep me in your prayers my friends, as I experience these life-size growing pains. You all are certainly in mine!
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
-Mother Theresa
